Crushed

Noticing the other sex is a right of passage. Although I am told I was "engaged" at a young age to a neighbor in our hometown, nothing came of it and my first moment/man was a very blond young man in the fourth grade. He was somewhat obsessed with drawing tanks. I would "decorate" them. Kind of warped but then so are most of the things done by one sex to impress the other.

The boy I gave my heart to, of course unbeknownst to him, in the fifth and sixth grade recently came back into my life. Electronically. He's about three hours away. We had a nice conversation and he tossed out an invitation to come see him. He hasn't spoken to me since. Who says childhood is over?

I went through most of the school years with mad crushes for all sorts of boys. Most had some sort of athletic ability and a Cassidy-esque mop of hair. The only other thing they all had in common is they were never really much interested in me. I like to think it was not without effort on my part. I am uncomfortable flirting with someone I really really am attracted to, most likely because I know there's not a hope in hell. I do better in that regard if I am moderately interested in the person. However the first time I gathered steam to make a bold attempt, the object of the flirtation campaign laughed. A year later he was dead. I am not sure why I mention the latter because he was troubled and it wasn't my fault. He didn't want the attention or the possible comfort or connection being with me might offer. But I always remember he laughed.